There is No Greater Love...

Welcome to this world! My handsome son, Skyler. Mommy and Momma love you with everything we have <3

New year, brand new me!

Feeling empowered is the most rewarding emotion I've felt to date. My family knows I'm pregnant ( I told them over the holidays). Even though they have their own emotions towards the situation, I feel an immense relief of stress.

Out of Control...

Sometimes I feel like my life is not organized. I live it each day, going through the motions of someone who has everything under control. On the surface, I'm stable. Underneath the surface however, I'm not so stable.... Let me explain: It has nothing to do with mental instability. Believe me, with the bullshit that I've gone through in my life I SHOULD be mentally unstable, but I'm not. A better term to describe what's going on inside my head is that I'm not at peace. Here are a few reasons: 1. I'm overjoyed about starting the next chapter in my life: motherhood. Problem is, NO ONE in my family even knows I'm pregnant. Now, I've received the "toughest" love possible in that subject to say the least. Coming out was less emotionally painful. I feel like this beautiful being inside of me deserves to have me shout from the rooftops that I'm going to become a mother, dammit! I feel me hiding it from some important people in my life is an insult. 2. I'm torn between my dream and my reality in the workplace. The dream is to be in the medical field. There are those that feel I'm wasting my intelligence in retail management. At times I think they're right. The reality is that I would love to dive into school head first, but that would mean I'd give up work. The consistent paycheck that replenishes my bank account biweekly. I'm selfish and I don't want to do that. So where do I turn? I could do it one class at a time. Online if necessary, until I reach my goal. The first step is always the hardest. 3. Deep down inside I'm a bit of a control freak. It displays itself through constructive energy at work. Then when I'm home, I consciously turn it off. At least I think I do. I catch myself thinking of the days when I lived alone. How different those days were from what my days are now. Marriage (another thing my family is unaware of) is certainly interesting. 4. Double life much? Lol, seems like my unsettled disposition is stemming from my lack of communication with my family. I really should have been a psychologist, right? I'm sure if I stood up and said, "Dearest Family, I wanted to make you aware of a few things about the girl you thought you knew. She doesn't exist. The girl you knew was single, straight, and not with child. The woman that stands before you is married, gay, and with child." Of course, I'd need 911 on standby because I guarantee someone would have a myocardial infarction (heart attack), faint, come charging to hurt me, and even curse me out in ways sailors never imagined. Far-fetched? Ha, you don't know my family like I KNOW my family. After all this, where to start? Just because the surface of the ocean LOOKS calm doesn't mean there's not danger lurking around. So how does one make the inner person as collected as the outer person? Yes, I very well could be over-analyzing my life (as I often do). Call it my tragic flaw. We all have our "demons"; I guess this is just mine?

Awkward Moments in Fast Food History

Late Night Munchies... Went to McDonalds around the way the other night when I got off from work. The time? 3:30 am. I placed and paid for my order. Got to the light and checked the bag. Dude from the window put his number inside the bag....O_o. I guess I should have been flattered, but somehow I was not. Now that I think about it, he was laughing to himself as I left the window. Smdh.

Facts of Real Life #1

If you notice a woman taking prenatal vitamins, the first assumption is that she's pregnant. Don't be too quick to jump to conclusions. Take time to perform a quick observation: is her hair healthy? Let me quickly clarify: is her NATURAL, REAL hair healthy? Can she open a soda can with her nails without them breaking? If so, you've encountered a woman who just wanted to improve some things about herself and those prenatal vitamins did the trick. You never know....maybe that nail hardener just wasn't doing the trick.

"Tweet-able Moments in Lady Date History"

Here are the following sayings that have me ROTFL, LMAO, and in a constant state of being weak as shit... *1)"I don't like male strippers. Give me tasseled titties any day." *2)"Ever since our convo, if I'm around a group of gay/lesbian individuals I wonder if they're hetero-friendly." *3)"I love the androgyny of Tilda Swinton. Especially when that bitch played Gabriel in Constantine." *4)"I want dick in my box." *5)"Every morning I wake up and give God thanks for the greatness of my box." *6)"tasseled titties > rhinestoned penis (pronounced pen-isss), but not equal to dick in my box > tasseled titties" Yes, the aforementioned are part of many inside jokes. If you happened to be a fly on the wall (which there were none present during the time of these quotes) or one of the persons involved, then you may find this quite irrelevant. It's okay, I could care less....lol

Who's got Pride? I've got Pride!

Last night I attended my first Pride party. It was quite an experience. For one, it was the first time that I had been out since the miscarriage. Two, it was the first time that I had been around so many young lgbt members of society at once. Lol. At one point during the festivities, a group of young ladies approached me and my wife. Once they realized that we were married, it was as if we became celebrities in their eyes. We kept getting stares and smiles all night. I never realized how much of an impact our life together had on other people. I couldn't help but laugh because to me, my marriage is an everyday occurrence. To other lesbians, my marriage is an inspiration. I find that to be pretty special.

A letter to my wonderful blessing...

01/15/2012:
I haven't even met you, but I already love you so much. Who knew I could feel this way? I promise to always take care of you, let you explore the beauty of the world, and help you understand the magnificent power you possess inside you.

01/18/2012:
I had hoped to hear your heartbeat, but then I found out you were already in heaven. I miss you terribly, but God above missed you most my darling. I will forever call you my angel and will always love you!!!!!! Just know we BOTH loved you from the moment we knew you were inside me. Words cannot express the joy we felt. I know you will watch over us from above *kisses*

<3 Mommy

I'm glad your mother likes me

You know what, I'm glad she likes you too my love <3

*Sings* "I'm so excited...."

Just wanted to say how happy I am that I get to see my mother face to face for Thanksgiving! We haven't seen each other since December 2009...the longest time we've ever gone without being around each other. I'm not used to such things!

Progess...

I recently did something out of my normal routine: I went back to my college alma mater. Now let me explain: Upon completing my B.S. in Biological Sciences in 2005, I had no desire to return back to the place I called home for four years of my life. Sounds harsh, but it's the truth. Flash forward to the present: The reason I stepped foot on campus again was to speak at a seminar educating young college women on the importance of knowing their correct bra size. The organizers of the event had called my store (Victoria's Secret) to see if we wanted to participate. My other managers said no, but I agreed to attend. I'm so glad that I did. It wasn't just me as a guest speaker, but also a representative of the Susan G. Komen Foundation spoke on the importance of self-breast exams, types of breast cancers, and the different stages of breast cancers. During her segment, I was reminded of how fortunate I was to have a family who openly talked of different medical scenarios. Had it not been for that conversation, I probably would have ignored the pain in my own breast. Fortunately, I didn't have breast cancer, but a fibroadenoma...nonetheless, it was scary enough. After the representative spoke, I thought my presentation was minute. To my suprise, the ladies took great interest in the information that I shared. I went over how to determine the correct bra size (even though I forgot my measuring tape at the store), how to convert to your "sister" or alternate size, and of course washing and caring for your bras. I educated the girls on different fit issues they could be experiencing and a lot of them had that "a-ha" moment. I felt good on the inside. After all questions had been answered, the organizers gave us (the presenters) thank you gifts. My gift contained two mugs with the phrases "the boss" and "the real boss". I think I'll take one to work today. Best part of the whole event? They asked me to come back to speak in January :)

Playing with Purples...

Did my eyes in purples today to go with my new Fanta Grape shirt from Target :)

Looking Inside Myself...truth hurts

I've come to realize that I contain a tragic flaw: my independent mindset. There's nothing wrong with being independent, & quite frankly it's the only mindset that I've been taught ever since I could remember. For some reason I feel less capable or sure of myself if I had to depend on someone else. I've been raised to be so independent that I shouldn't have to look to anyone for anything. I see my grandmother do it, as well as my mother - the two most influential women (and people) of my life. My grandmother constantly apologizes for even asking for a ride to the store. She has always felt that if she had to ask someone to do something for her that she was bothering that person. Not the case at all of course. I guess my innate drive to remain independent comes from a previous experience I've had where I depended on someone, who consistently let me down. It almost - and that's a strong almost - broke me emotionally & psychologically. Pretty intense right? So as a result, I built a mental wall of defense that allowed me to solely focus on me & regain my independence.

Fast forward to the present...

I'm in a wonderful, fulfilling relationship with my fiancee who makes my life so much brighter each day that passes. As of late, I can feel the struggle of dependency between us. By this I mean, she feels that I don't allow her to "be there for me" or that I don't let her "take care of me". Emotionally she does this, but I realize what she's looking for. She's looking for me to be able to trust that she will be able to care of me. I trust her with this already....except for my desire to remain independent. It becomes more and more apparent to me that if I don't get my shit together, this one tiny thing could be the rock that starts a downward spiral leading to a path that finds me alone. I DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!! So what do I do? Close my eyes, fall backward into her arms, & in doing so find a balance that allows me to be independently dependent.

Independently dependent...yes, it's an oxymoron, but hear me out on this. My definition of this concept is I choose to become more dependent. Not an extreme situation, but just enough that there's a nice balance. This is the best way that I trick my mind into thinking the best resolution has been put in place. Call me crazy if you want to, but I believe that in doing this I will maintain the happiness I have with the misses. LMAO

#teamnatural

Though I haven't chronicled my loc journey in any posts (gives me an idea), I LOVE MY HAIR :). I recently have become nostalgic for my hair to be short again, but I don't have the heart to cut them. You may be thinking,

"it's just hair....it grows back"

Sure I had the same mindset until I thought about how many years I've had my locs: 5 & counting. When my hair was short I couldn't wait for it to be long, & now that it's long I desire for it to be short? Talk about irony. For many weeks I struggled with the thought of cutting my hair. I finally decided that there had to be some existing loc style that would give me the satisfaction of short hair. Thank goodness, I stumbled upon fauryn78 on YouTube. I watched her coils video & immediate found rekindled hope for my locs. This is how things turned out:




Excuse the facial expression. Lol. I was goofing off at work. I love my new look & I was surprised at how many people thought I cut my hair. Fauryn78 also has excellent makeup tutorials that I'm a huge fan of....I'm such a girl. Lmao.

Happy Birthday to Me!!!!!

I had a wonderful day filled of pampering & well-needed relaxation. Best part of it was spending it with my wonderful fiance & friends. Not to mention I received my new laptop (I'm a Mac now!!!!). Another year has come & gone, yet I'm still standing :). Thank you Jesus! That is all....LOL

No Pain, No Gain

This is the latest addition of ink to my body, and I couldn't be happier. I'm at an even number of 10 now, which makes me happy because I don't like odd numbers (in regards to tattoos) much. My goal originally WAS 12. Things have changed, & I haven't put a limit on how many I may get. If I feel the need to get another, I will :)

SN: this latest tat is on my left side, on my ribs pretty much.

Did it hurt?

Yeah, but I hid the pain well ;)

Hello, My Name Is....

CHEVY :) Last Thursday I became the proud owner of a 10 month old Chihuahua. I thought to rename him & train him to recognize himself as Riley (I own a hamster who I named Huey. I enjoy the Boondocks.) Chevy recognizes him name already & was housebroken when I acquired him so I guess it all worked out. I wanted to post something earlier about him, but he almost was sold because he chewed up the blinds in my bedroom....BADLY. My fiancee immediately posted an ad on eBay classifieds to get rid of him. I was heartbroken at first, but with convincing she decided to let him have another chance & so far he's been doing fantastic. Leverage was to re-train him to not have this bad habit instead of replacing him with a dog that would probably do the same thing.

WTH?????!!!!

So I just finish helping an elderly lady locate her son's phone number by looking up her billing history and seeing repeating numbers that called her frequently. I pull up the number & call him to inform him that his mother has been trying to call him, but she lost the paper with his information on it. She has been stranded at the mall for HOURS, and she was worried that her son was worried about her. Do you know what he says to me? "how did you get my number?". As if I was bothering him! Sorry, I could have told your mother that she was shit outta luck, and we couldn't do anything for her. Could have left her stranded in the mall & had the police call you with the same information. Don't get an attitude with me when I'm just trying to make your mom happy?! I swear, I try to do a good deed, and get no respect....

Deep Thoughts on Deep Throat.....the film :)

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Thanksgiving 2010

This year, I'd like to give thanks to health, love, life, family, friends, and the ability to show my love for those around through food. :). Let the calorie counting begin!