Out of Control...

Sometimes I feel like my life is not organized. I live it each day, going through the motions of someone who has everything under control. On the surface, I'm stable. Underneath the surface however, I'm not so stable.... Let me explain: It has nothing to do with mental instability. Believe me, with the bullshit that I've gone through in my life I SHOULD be mentally unstable, but I'm not. A better term to describe what's going on inside my head is that I'm not at peace. Here are a few reasons: 1. I'm overjoyed about starting the next chapter in my life: motherhood. Problem is, NO ONE in my family even knows I'm pregnant. Now, I've received the "toughest" love possible in that subject to say the least. Coming out was less emotionally painful. I feel like this beautiful being inside of me deserves to have me shout from the rooftops that I'm going to become a mother, dammit! I feel me hiding it from some important people in my life is an insult. 2. I'm torn between my dream and my reality in the workplace. The dream is to be in the medical field. There are those that feel I'm wasting my intelligence in retail management. At times I think they're right. The reality is that I would love to dive into school head first, but that would mean I'd give up work. The consistent paycheck that replenishes my bank account biweekly. I'm selfish and I don't want to do that. So where do I turn? I could do it one class at a time. Online if necessary, until I reach my goal. The first step is always the hardest. 3. Deep down inside I'm a bit of a control freak. It displays itself through constructive energy at work. Then when I'm home, I consciously turn it off. At least I think I do. I catch myself thinking of the days when I lived alone. How different those days were from what my days are now. Marriage (another thing my family is unaware of) is certainly interesting. 4. Double life much? Lol, seems like my unsettled disposition is stemming from my lack of communication with my family. I really should have been a psychologist, right? I'm sure if I stood up and said, "Dearest Family, I wanted to make you aware of a few things about the girl you thought you knew. She doesn't exist. The girl you knew was single, straight, and not with child. The woman that stands before you is married, gay, and with child." Of course, I'd need 911 on standby because I guarantee someone would have a myocardial infarction (heart attack), faint, come charging to hurt me, and even curse me out in ways sailors never imagined. Far-fetched? Ha, you don't know my family like I KNOW my family. After all this, where to start? Just because the surface of the ocean LOOKS calm doesn't mean there's not danger lurking around. So how does one make the inner person as collected as the outer person? Yes, I very well could be over-analyzing my life (as I often do). Call it my tragic flaw. We all have our "demons"; I guess this is just mine?

Looking Inside Myself...truth hurts

I've come to realize that I contain a tragic flaw: my independent mindset. There's nothing wrong with being independent, & quite frankly it's the only mindset that I've been taught ever since I could remember. For some reason I feel less capable or sure of myself if I had to depend on someone else. I've been raised to be so independent that I shouldn't have to look to anyone for anything. I see my grandmother do it, as well as my mother - the two most influential women (and people) of my life. My grandmother constantly apologizes for even asking for a ride to the store. She has always felt that if she had to ask someone to do something for her that she was bothering that person. Not the case at all of course. I guess my innate drive to remain independent comes from a previous experience I've had where I depended on someone, who consistently let me down. It almost - and that's a strong almost - broke me emotionally & psychologically. Pretty intense right? So as a result, I built a mental wall of defense that allowed me to solely focus on me & regain my independence.

Fast forward to the present...

I'm in a wonderful, fulfilling relationship with my fiancee who makes my life so much brighter each day that passes. As of late, I can feel the struggle of dependency between us. By this I mean, she feels that I don't allow her to "be there for me" or that I don't let her "take care of me". Emotionally she does this, but I realize what she's looking for. She's looking for me to be able to trust that she will be able to care of me. I trust her with this already....except for my desire to remain independent. It becomes more and more apparent to me that if I don't get my shit together, this one tiny thing could be the rock that starts a downward spiral leading to a path that finds me alone. I DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!! So what do I do? Close my eyes, fall backward into her arms, & in doing so find a balance that allows me to be independently dependent.

Independently dependent...yes, it's an oxymoron, but hear me out on this. My definition of this concept is I choose to become more dependent. Not an extreme situation, but just enough that there's a nice balance. This is the best way that I trick my mind into thinking the best resolution has been put in place. Call me crazy if you want to, but I believe that in doing this I will maintain the happiness I have with the misses. LMAO

Deep Thoughts on Deep Throat.....the film :)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Are you ready?

Welcome to my universe to talk about anything that comes across my mind. Sit back, relax, and enjoy yourself as I bring you along on the journey. Today's topic: S-E-X. Yeah, I took it there. And I'm not going to apologize for it. I'm a grown ass woman who's completely comfortable with my thoughts, feelings, and actions as they pertain to sex. Quite honestly I think that women think about sex, just as much if not more, than men do. And despite what has been beaten into our heads by society, there's nothing wrong with that. In the book I'm currently reading A Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex, it shows women how to re-program their minds so that they see their sexual, sensual appetites as beautiful. So far I've learned that I discovered the bad girl within a loooong time ago, but it doesn't hurt to have a refresher course. As Dr. Barbara Keesling so delicately puts it, we don't starve our physical appetites, so why do we starve our sexual ones?