I'm glad your mother likes me

You know what, I'm glad she likes you too my love <3

Looking Inside Myself...truth hurts

I've come to realize that I contain a tragic flaw: my independent mindset. There's nothing wrong with being independent, & quite frankly it's the only mindset that I've been taught ever since I could remember. For some reason I feel less capable or sure of myself if I had to depend on someone else. I've been raised to be so independent that I shouldn't have to look to anyone for anything. I see my grandmother do it, as well as my mother - the two most influential women (and people) of my life. My grandmother constantly apologizes for even asking for a ride to the store. She has always felt that if she had to ask someone to do something for her that she was bothering that person. Not the case at all of course. I guess my innate drive to remain independent comes from a previous experience I've had where I depended on someone, who consistently let me down. It almost - and that's a strong almost - broke me emotionally & psychologically. Pretty intense right? So as a result, I built a mental wall of defense that allowed me to solely focus on me & regain my independence.

Fast forward to the present...

I'm in a wonderful, fulfilling relationship with my fiancee who makes my life so much brighter each day that passes. As of late, I can feel the struggle of dependency between us. By this I mean, she feels that I don't allow her to "be there for me" or that I don't let her "take care of me". Emotionally she does this, but I realize what she's looking for. She's looking for me to be able to trust that she will be able to care of me. I trust her with this already....except for my desire to remain independent. It becomes more and more apparent to me that if I don't get my shit together, this one tiny thing could be the rock that starts a downward spiral leading to a path that finds me alone. I DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!! So what do I do? Close my eyes, fall backward into her arms, & in doing so find a balance that allows me to be independently dependent.

Independently dependent...yes, it's an oxymoron, but hear me out on this. My definition of this concept is I choose to become more dependent. Not an extreme situation, but just enough that there's a nice balance. This is the best way that I trick my mind into thinking the best resolution has been put in place. Call me crazy if you want to, but I believe that in doing this I will maintain the happiness I have with the misses. LMAO

"So Mom, there's something I gotta tell you...."

So I sat down two weeks ago and told my mother about my relationship with my then gf, now fiancee. My mother has NEVER been aware of my bisexuality, so me telling her about my attractions to women AND my involvement with someone she's previously met was shocking. I knew that my mother wasn't going to disown me or anything, but my news wasn't necessarily going to lighten her emotional load. She's watching one of my uncles battle against leukemia through chemo. Her worst fear is to find this particular uncle of mine dead in his apartment, like she found my other uncle. On top of that, my father and the word cooperation have a long standing feud.

My mother & I have always been very close and share almost everything. I know there's going to be things about my life that she will NEVER know, but me being bisexual isn't one of them. The deciding factor for telling my mother was that I'm committed to my relationship with my fiancee. I love her with all my heart, and I want to build a future with her (I mean, I did say yes right?)

I know that my mother's heart has been broken, and I feel terrible about it. It pains me to the core. I feel as if I have let my mother down, but in the same thought, I feel that I have to live my own life. I have to keep happiness around me...and my Tracey makes me happy....<3

He Loved Me, He Loved Me Not...She Loves Me

In my last relationship, it was really hard for me to understand how I could be with someone for almost four years and suddenly have it all fall apart in one night. I know that life has its way of snapping you back into reality, and apparently me breaking up from with my ex was it. Even though I was hurt, I didn't let the experience scar and cripple me. I know that I'm an intelligent, beautiful, and determined woman who has a lot to bring to the table. I took a year to be selfish and focus solely on my needs and desires. As I've already posted, I'm bisexual (more about the family reveal in another post). In April of this year, I met a woman that at the time I didn't realize would have such an impact on my life. Quite frankly, I consider her "el amor de mi vida" (love of my life). After my last relationship, I had almost given up on love. I don't necessarily think it was me putting up a wall as much as me forgetting how to give love to anyone. It's known that if someone experiences a trauma, the mind represses the event as protection. When I became single again, my mind repressed love faster than my heart did.

During my year of singularity, I dated...I mean, why wouldn't I? Some of the individuals were nice for kicks & giggles. One particular individual was really nice, but I felt as if I would corrupt him. Another one just wasn't working out & no matter what I did, he just seemed to continue to see me through rose colored glasses. I mean, if you drove 100 miles to spend time with someone and that person made you sleep on the futon NEXT TO the bed in the room....WOULD YOU REALLY STAY THE NIGHT??? It just came down to me hurting his feelings. I'm normally a nice person, but he required much more severe tactics. All in all, I refused to settle for something that I didn't want. I was totally against relationships at this point, but I secretly wanted one. Ironic right?

As aforementioned, in April I met a wonderful woman who I didn't realize would have such an impact on my life at the time. On December 17, 2009 she made me one of the happiest ladies on this planet :). Some ppl may say that it's awfully soon for someone to propose to me, but "when you know you know". I know that our relationship is viewed by most as "alternative" or me just being so "desperate" that I would take love from a man or a woman, but I see it as beautiful and amazing. I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. I look at her daily and see how much happier my life has become. She's made my grinch-like emotions melt into a heart of gold again. Cheesy I know, but it's true. I know that this time around I won't have to worry about whether my better half will be able to catch me if I fall...

I Have a Confession...

There is something that I want to reveal to the cyberworld and real world simultaneously for those that don't know. For those of you who do, apologies for the repetitive notification of my announcement: I'm bisexual :). There I said it. LOL. Actually, I've been bisexual for quite some time, I just finally decided to face it. On top of me being bisexual, I've found a wonderful woman to have a relationship with. So in essence, my bisexuality has strong potential developing into homosexuality. Quite frankly, the way I feel is that as long as I'm in a happy, loving, healthy, forward-thinking relationship with someone I could care less which gender they are. Just so happens that my happiness is packaged in the form of woman.

Now I know that there are some ppl out there who might think that this is simply a phase, but this has actually been a mental & emotionally evolutional journey I've been on since the age of 8. Yeah, you read it right, 8 YEARS OLD. And no, I wasn't confused at that age either...I knew exactly what the hell I was doing. LMAO.

There is one challenge that I face: telling my family. As of right now, my cousin (who is gay btw) Toya knows. "Coming out" to her was soooo hilarious. I really didn't have to say anything except for "hey I've got something to tell you that no one else in the family knows". Followed by her response. "you don't even have to say anything else...finally, I'm glad you realized it." So to know that I have the support of one family member is tight. The person I'm most concerned about is my mother. I don't think she'll flip out or disown me, but I know she'll have disappointment and questions - lots of them. Advice given to me is that I shouldn't just tell her, I should wait until she asks questions. I don't know. I guess, we'll see...I'll keep ya USPS :)

Things that Irritate Me #5

People not being upfront & honest with me. If I ask you a question I expect an answer; not just an answer, but the honest answer. Don't sit there and give me the bullshit line that "I'm not lying to you, I'm choosing to withold information". Smh. Why not just answer my question especially if you're the type of person that doesn't care about hurting people's feelings. I would much rather be hurt and know the truth than to continue believing something fake.

...oh yeah, telling me that you weren't going to bring up the topic because "you don't like having uncomfortable conversations" isn't cool either. It only makes me wonder how long were you going to act like everything was okay? How long were you going to lead me on?

Sometimes, I wish I didn't have emotions...

Top Five Reasons I'm Single...

1. I refuse to be in a relationship with someone just for the sake of that person calling me their boo, girl, woman, shortie (fyi, I'm 6'1". Nothing on me is SHORT!)...lol

2. I'm enjoying being single after being in a very serious three year relationship/engagement.

3. Bitchass-ness is not acceptable in my life! I know that there are some people out there that love to have some all up under them. I am not the one. Don't get me wrong, I'm an affectionate person. It just irritates me when someone wants to act like a puppy dog around me when they're grown.

4. Dating intrigues me right now. It's like a box of chocolates...I never know what I'm gonna get.

5. Deep down inside, I'm scared of getting my heart broken like before. Although I will say that if someone tries to hurt me like that again, they better have connections with NASA. That's the only way, I won't be able to get to them...lmao