Out of Control...

Sometimes I feel like my life is not organized. I live it each day, going through the motions of someone who has everything under control. On the surface, I'm stable. Underneath the surface however, I'm not so stable.... Let me explain: It has nothing to do with mental instability. Believe me, with the bullshit that I've gone through in my life I SHOULD be mentally unstable, but I'm not. A better term to describe what's going on inside my head is that I'm not at peace. Here are a few reasons: 1. I'm overjoyed about starting the next chapter in my life: motherhood. Problem is, NO ONE in my family even knows I'm pregnant. Now, I've received the "toughest" love possible in that subject to say the least. Coming out was less emotionally painful. I feel like this beautiful being inside of me deserves to have me shout from the rooftops that I'm going to become a mother, dammit! I feel me hiding it from some important people in my life is an insult. 2. I'm torn between my dream and my reality in the workplace. The dream is to be in the medical field. There are those that feel I'm wasting my intelligence in retail management. At times I think they're right. The reality is that I would love to dive into school head first, but that would mean I'd give up work. The consistent paycheck that replenishes my bank account biweekly. I'm selfish and I don't want to do that. So where do I turn? I could do it one class at a time. Online if necessary, until I reach my goal. The first step is always the hardest. 3. Deep down inside I'm a bit of a control freak. It displays itself through constructive energy at work. Then when I'm home, I consciously turn it off. At least I think I do. I catch myself thinking of the days when I lived alone. How different those days were from what my days are now. Marriage (another thing my family is unaware of) is certainly interesting. 4. Double life much? Lol, seems like my unsettled disposition is stemming from my lack of communication with my family. I really should have been a psychologist, right? I'm sure if I stood up and said, "Dearest Family, I wanted to make you aware of a few things about the girl you thought you knew. She doesn't exist. The girl you knew was single, straight, and not with child. The woman that stands before you is married, gay, and with child." Of course, I'd need 911 on standby because I guarantee someone would have a myocardial infarction (heart attack), faint, come charging to hurt me, and even curse me out in ways sailors never imagined. Far-fetched? Ha, you don't know my family like I KNOW my family. After all this, where to start? Just because the surface of the ocean LOOKS calm doesn't mean there's not danger lurking around. So how does one make the inner person as collected as the outer person? Yes, I very well could be over-analyzing my life (as I often do). Call it my tragic flaw. We all have our "demons"; I guess this is just mine?

A letter to my wonderful blessing...

01/15/2012:
I haven't even met you, but I already love you so much. Who knew I could feel this way? I promise to always take care of you, let you explore the beauty of the world, and help you understand the magnificent power you possess inside you.

01/18/2012:
I had hoped to hear your heartbeat, but then I found out you were already in heaven. I miss you terribly, but God above missed you most my darling. I will forever call you my angel and will always love you!!!!!! Just know we BOTH loved you from the moment we knew you were inside me. Words cannot express the joy we felt. I know you will watch over us from above *kisses*

<3 Mommy

Playing with Purples...

Did my eyes in purples today to go with my new Fanta Grape shirt from Target :)

Looking Inside Myself...truth hurts

I've come to realize that I contain a tragic flaw: my independent mindset. There's nothing wrong with being independent, & quite frankly it's the only mindset that I've been taught ever since I could remember. For some reason I feel less capable or sure of myself if I had to depend on someone else. I've been raised to be so independent that I shouldn't have to look to anyone for anything. I see my grandmother do it, as well as my mother - the two most influential women (and people) of my life. My grandmother constantly apologizes for even asking for a ride to the store. She has always felt that if she had to ask someone to do something for her that she was bothering that person. Not the case at all of course. I guess my innate drive to remain independent comes from a previous experience I've had where I depended on someone, who consistently let me down. It almost - and that's a strong almost - broke me emotionally & psychologically. Pretty intense right? So as a result, I built a mental wall of defense that allowed me to solely focus on me & regain my independence.

Fast forward to the present...

I'm in a wonderful, fulfilling relationship with my fiancee who makes my life so much brighter each day that passes. As of late, I can feel the struggle of dependency between us. By this I mean, she feels that I don't allow her to "be there for me" or that I don't let her "take care of me". Emotionally she does this, but I realize what she's looking for. She's looking for me to be able to trust that she will be able to care of me. I trust her with this already....except for my desire to remain independent. It becomes more and more apparent to me that if I don't get my shit together, this one tiny thing could be the rock that starts a downward spiral leading to a path that finds me alone. I DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!! So what do I do? Close my eyes, fall backward into her arms, & in doing so find a balance that allows me to be independently dependent.

Independently dependent...yes, it's an oxymoron, but hear me out on this. My definition of this concept is I choose to become more dependent. Not an extreme situation, but just enough that there's a nice balance. This is the best way that I trick my mind into thinking the best resolution has been put in place. Call me crazy if you want to, but I believe that in doing this I will maintain the happiness I have with the misses. LMAO

#teamnatural

Though I haven't chronicled my loc journey in any posts (gives me an idea), I LOVE MY HAIR :). I recently have become nostalgic for my hair to be short again, but I don't have the heart to cut them. You may be thinking,

"it's just hair....it grows back"

Sure I had the same mindset until I thought about how many years I've had my locs: 5 & counting. When my hair was short I couldn't wait for it to be long, & now that it's long I desire for it to be short? Talk about irony. For many weeks I struggled with the thought of cutting my hair. I finally decided that there had to be some existing loc style that would give me the satisfaction of short hair. Thank goodness, I stumbled upon fauryn78 on YouTube. I watched her coils video & immediate found rekindled hope for my locs. This is how things turned out:




Excuse the facial expression. Lol. I was goofing off at work. I love my new look & I was surprised at how many people thought I cut my hair. Fauryn78 also has excellent makeup tutorials that I'm a huge fan of....I'm such a girl. Lmao.

Happy Birthday to Me!!!!!

I had a wonderful day filled of pampering & well-needed relaxation. Best part of it was spending it with my wonderful fiance & friends. Not to mention I received my new laptop (I'm a Mac now!!!!). Another year has come & gone, yet I'm still standing :). Thank you Jesus! That is all....LOL

No Pain, No Gain

This is the latest addition of ink to my body, and I couldn't be happier. I'm at an even number of 10 now, which makes me happy because I don't like odd numbers (in regards to tattoos) much. My goal originally WAS 12. Things have changed, & I haven't put a limit on how many I may get. If I feel the need to get another, I will :)

SN: this latest tat is on my left side, on my ribs pretty much.

Did it hurt?

Yeah, but I hid the pain well ;)

Deep Thoughts on Deep Throat.....the film :)

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Thanksgiving 2010

This year, I'd like to give thanks to health, love, life, family, friends, and the ability to show my love for those around through food. :). Let the calorie counting begin!

Rainy Day Blues

Listening to water droplets tap on my window
I have flashback of our encounters
The soft caress of your skin next to mine, sends tingles down my spine
I'm engrossed with your love

As you whisper "I love you" in my ear, my body surrenders to your touch
You know just the right way to fulfill my every wish and desire
You play the melody of my emotions along my body with the utmost care
How is it that you mastered the language of my love so effortlessly?

Even now as I look at your side of the bed, I try to keep the memories of this morning alive
You've only been gone for a few minutes, but it feels like forever
"I hate leaving you in the morning", you said, followed by a kiss to the nape of my neck
Oh if you only knew how much I hate your departures too...

So here I lay, in this bed of ours...
Allowing the beat of the rain on my window pane to sing the sorrow of my heart
Come back to me soon, and erase these rainy day blues....

Seafood Adventures!

Yesterday, I decided that I needed a seafood fix so I took myself to Capt. George's. The last time I went there was with some friends last summer. We stayed there for 3 hours. LOL. At first I felt strange for wanting to go to a buffet by myself, but then I thought why pay $28 for a portion of food that will only leave me hungry afterwards? I love seafood so much, so I definitely wanted to get my money's worth. I got myself together and drove 15 minutes down the road to my destination. I wanted to go on my seafood adventure earlier in the day, but the restaurant didn't open up until 4 pm. I could understand this because the variety and quantity of food it serves is an immense amount. I was geeked when I found a parking space near the front door. Last time, I made the walk from the back of the lot. The hostess asked how many in my party and I calmly answered, "just me". My worst fear is that she would look at me in disdain, but she didn't. She actually said "ok" with a big smile :). Ironically, my waiter yesterday was the same exact waiter I had last year. Good to know that Capt. George's has a great retention with their employees. Lmao.

Don't clip my wings once I've spread them...

I'm at the point in my life where I feel that if I make a decision, but don't share my descision with the majority or any of my family members, that's okay as long as the decision doesn't have a great impact on anyone. For example, I recently moved into a 2 BR apartment with my fiancee. My family in unaware of my engagement, as well as the move. In essence, the move was very simplistic. I moved from one end of the street to the other end. I kept the same unit number, but just acquired a different building number. The person that I think would be alarmed the most is my mother. I think she'd be upset because I decided to move without telling her, and that I moved my partner in with me. More so the latter because then it would solidify her fear that I was gay in her mind. Though I'm in a homosexual relationship, I don't have a label for it. Outsiders looking in would describe me as gay, but I just see myself in a healthy, loving relationship. I didn't fall in love with my fiancee's gender. I fell in love with the person that she is, and how I feel when I'm with her. I know that we are an excellent team together, and that certainly counts for something in my eyes. I just hope that one day my mother can see my happiness for what it is. *back to the main topic of this blog*

At what age will my family realize that I'm an adult? I feel like I'm at that point where I'm expecting more from them. I guess that I have to consider my family really cares about my well-being & what not, but damn, can I live?! Can I breathe?!

New look for my nails...

My inspiration for my 8 + 2 look came from my girl Kris. She's doing 8 + 2 nail color combos all the time now, & I heart them mucho! So Kris, if you're reading this post is for you :)



So my colors are Mango Madness (from Nicole by O.P.I) & Lightning (from Sally Hansen's Insta Dry collection). I had a french manicure before, but decided to do something a little brighter for the spring/summer 2010. Next color combo: Hot Pink & Black...pics to follow in a few weeks.

Yay! I'm another year older....

Hmmmm...

Are there any black pin up models out there?!?! I mean, I know that they exist. I google search black pin up models and get few promising results. Whole reason I was doing this is to find inspiration for some photos that I want to take. I know someone who will take the photos,I just needed a theme to go with. If you know any links I can go to, I'd appreciate it!

He Loved Me, He Loved Me Not...She Loves Me

In my last relationship, it was really hard for me to understand how I could be with someone for almost four years and suddenly have it all fall apart in one night. I know that life has its way of snapping you back into reality, and apparently me breaking up from with my ex was it. Even though I was hurt, I didn't let the experience scar and cripple me. I know that I'm an intelligent, beautiful, and determined woman who has a lot to bring to the table. I took a year to be selfish and focus solely on my needs and desires. As I've already posted, I'm bisexual (more about the family reveal in another post). In April of this year, I met a woman that at the time I didn't realize would have such an impact on my life. Quite frankly, I consider her "el amor de mi vida" (love of my life). After my last relationship, I had almost given up on love. I don't necessarily think it was me putting up a wall as much as me forgetting how to give love to anyone. It's known that if someone experiences a trauma, the mind represses the event as protection. When I became single again, my mind repressed love faster than my heart did.

During my year of singularity, I dated...I mean, why wouldn't I? Some of the individuals were nice for kicks & giggles. One particular individual was really nice, but I felt as if I would corrupt him. Another one just wasn't working out & no matter what I did, he just seemed to continue to see me through rose colored glasses. I mean, if you drove 100 miles to spend time with someone and that person made you sleep on the futon NEXT TO the bed in the room....WOULD YOU REALLY STAY THE NIGHT??? It just came down to me hurting his feelings. I'm normally a nice person, but he required much more severe tactics. All in all, I refused to settle for something that I didn't want. I was totally against relationships at this point, but I secretly wanted one. Ironic right?

As aforementioned, in April I met a wonderful woman who I didn't realize would have such an impact on my life at the time. On December 17, 2009 she made me one of the happiest ladies on this planet :). Some ppl may say that it's awfully soon for someone to propose to me, but "when you know you know". I know that our relationship is viewed by most as "alternative" or me just being so "desperate" that I would take love from a man or a woman, but I see it as beautiful and amazing. I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. I look at her daily and see how much happier my life has become. She's made my grinch-like emotions melt into a heart of gold again. Cheesy I know, but it's true. I know that this time around I won't have to worry about whether my better half will be able to catch me if I fall...

Victory is MINE!!!

Last night I was challenged in a word game. My opponent mistakenly thought that she was a worthy adversary, and I decided to engage in this game to show her I'm a heavyweight when it comes to these matters:


My username is Uzuri224, and as the score reflects I've got talent! LOL. So uh yeah, anyone up for a game of Words with Friends/Scrabble?

P.S. Words with Friends is a wonderful game I found on the iPhone (can also be played on iPhod touches). It allows you to play against your friends or random opponents OTA.

I Have a Confession...

There is something that I want to reveal to the cyberworld and real world simultaneously for those that don't know. For those of you who do, apologies for the repetitive notification of my announcement: I'm bisexual :). There I said it. LOL. Actually, I've been bisexual for quite some time, I just finally decided to face it. On top of me being bisexual, I've found a wonderful woman to have a relationship with. So in essence, my bisexuality has strong potential developing into homosexuality. Quite frankly, the way I feel is that as long as I'm in a happy, loving, healthy, forward-thinking relationship with someone I could care less which gender they are. Just so happens that my happiness is packaged in the form of woman.

Now I know that there are some ppl out there who might think that this is simply a phase, but this has actually been a mental & emotionally evolutional journey I've been on since the age of 8. Yeah, you read it right, 8 YEARS OLD. And no, I wasn't confused at that age either...I knew exactly what the hell I was doing. LMAO.

There is one challenge that I face: telling my family. As of right now, my cousin (who is gay btw) Toya knows. "Coming out" to her was soooo hilarious. I really didn't have to say anything except for "hey I've got something to tell you that no one else in the family knows". Followed by her response. "you don't even have to say anything else...finally, I'm glad you realized it." So to know that I have the support of one family member is tight. The person I'm most concerned about is my mother. I don't think she'll flip out or disown me, but I know she'll have disappointment and questions - lots of them. Advice given to me is that I shouldn't just tell her, I should wait until she asks questions. I don't know. I guess, we'll see...I'll keep ya USPS :)

Will be copped...

Maxwell's new album BLACKsummers'night will be released this Tuesday, and I'm so excited. I've been a Maxwell fan from day one; seeing him release another album after been out of the scene for a minute is very gratifying. His sound, which I absolutely love, envokes a sense of peace & happiness for me. Especially when I can share my enjoyment of his music with someone I care for. After seeing his performance on the BET Awards, it made me want this upcoming album even more, secretly hoping for a tour date to pass through the 757 area. Don't sleep on this album!

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you...

I really need to start writing more enteries on the regular. Being caught up with work, life, and dare I say affections of the heart *gasp* keeps a woman like me away from qwerty keys of life. In my absence, I've learned some lessons & had key take-aways:

*I REALLY am annoyed by petty bullshittery...yes, I know it's not a true word but damnit, it works.

*It really is okay to let someone see you in the vulnerable state of shedding tears. It's a part of life, and to get to share it with someone that understands is rewarding.

*"hot shit" has been integrated into my vocabulary and I'm not giving it up.

*Catching someone off guard in a genuine gesture of kindness is the best.

*Damn, I really need to check my Facebook & MySpace accounts more often.

I promise, I'll bring it back to regular scheduled programming...