Out of Control...

Sometimes I feel like my life is not organized. I live it each day, going through the motions of someone who has everything under control. On the surface, I'm stable. Underneath the surface however, I'm not so stable.... Let me explain: It has nothing to do with mental instability. Believe me, with the bullshit that I've gone through in my life I SHOULD be mentally unstable, but I'm not. A better term to describe what's going on inside my head is that I'm not at peace. Here are a few reasons: 1. I'm overjoyed about starting the next chapter in my life: motherhood. Problem is, NO ONE in my family even knows I'm pregnant. Now, I've received the "toughest" love possible in that subject to say the least. Coming out was less emotionally painful. I feel like this beautiful being inside of me deserves to have me shout from the rooftops that I'm going to become a mother, dammit! I feel me hiding it from some important people in my life is an insult. 2. I'm torn between my dream and my reality in the workplace. The dream is to be in the medical field. There are those that feel I'm wasting my intelligence in retail management. At times I think they're right. The reality is that I would love to dive into school head first, but that would mean I'd give up work. The consistent paycheck that replenishes my bank account biweekly. I'm selfish and I don't want to do that. So where do I turn? I could do it one class at a time. Online if necessary, until I reach my goal. The first step is always the hardest. 3. Deep down inside I'm a bit of a control freak. It displays itself through constructive energy at work. Then when I'm home, I consciously turn it off. At least I think I do. I catch myself thinking of the days when I lived alone. How different those days were from what my days are now. Marriage (another thing my family is unaware of) is certainly interesting. 4. Double life much? Lol, seems like my unsettled disposition is stemming from my lack of communication with my family. I really should have been a psychologist, right? I'm sure if I stood up and said, "Dearest Family, I wanted to make you aware of a few things about the girl you thought you knew. She doesn't exist. The girl you knew was single, straight, and not with child. The woman that stands before you is married, gay, and with child." Of course, I'd need 911 on standby because I guarantee someone would have a myocardial infarction (heart attack), faint, come charging to hurt me, and even curse me out in ways sailors never imagined. Far-fetched? Ha, you don't know my family like I KNOW my family. After all this, where to start? Just because the surface of the ocean LOOKS calm doesn't mean there's not danger lurking around. So how does one make the inner person as collected as the outer person? Yes, I very well could be over-analyzing my life (as I often do). Call it my tragic flaw. We all have our "demons"; I guess this is just mine?

Awkward Moments in Fast Food History

Late Night Munchies... Went to McDonalds around the way the other night when I got off from work. The time? 3:30 am. I placed and paid for my order. Got to the light and checked the bag. Dude from the window put his number inside the bag....O_o. I guess I should have been flattered, but somehow I was not. Now that I think about it, he was laughing to himself as I left the window. Smdh.

Facts of Real Life #1

If you notice a woman taking prenatal vitamins, the first assumption is that she's pregnant. Don't be too quick to jump to conclusions. Take time to perform a quick observation: is her hair healthy? Let me quickly clarify: is her NATURAL, REAL hair healthy? Can she open a soda can with her nails without them breaking? If so, you've encountered a woman who just wanted to improve some things about herself and those prenatal vitamins did the trick. You never know....maybe that nail hardener just wasn't doing the trick.

"Tweet-able Moments in Lady Date History"

Here are the following sayings that have me ROTFL, LMAO, and in a constant state of being weak as shit... *1)"I don't like male strippers. Give me tasseled titties any day." *2)"Ever since our convo, if I'm around a group of gay/lesbian individuals I wonder if they're hetero-friendly." *3)"I love the androgyny of Tilda Swinton. Especially when that bitch played Gabriel in Constantine." *4)"I want dick in my box." *5)"Every morning I wake up and give God thanks for the greatness of my box." *6)"tasseled titties > rhinestoned penis (pronounced pen-isss), but not equal to dick in my box > tasseled titties" Yes, the aforementioned are part of many inside jokes. If you happened to be a fly on the wall (which there were none present during the time of these quotes) or one of the persons involved, then you may find this quite irrelevant. It's okay, I could care less....lol

Who's got Pride? I've got Pride!

Last night I attended my first Pride party. It was quite an experience. For one, it was the first time that I had been out since the miscarriage. Two, it was the first time that I had been around so many young lgbt members of society at once. Lol. At one point during the festivities, a group of young ladies approached me and my wife. Once they realized that we were married, it was as if we became celebrities in their eyes. We kept getting stares and smiles all night. I never realized how much of an impact our life together had on other people. I couldn't help but laugh because to me, my marriage is an everyday occurrence. To other lesbians, my marriage is an inspiration. I find that to be pretty special.

A letter to my wonderful blessing...

01/15/2012:
I haven't even met you, but I already love you so much. Who knew I could feel this way? I promise to always take care of you, let you explore the beauty of the world, and help you understand the magnificent power you possess inside you.

01/18/2012:
I had hoped to hear your heartbeat, but then I found out you were already in heaven. I miss you terribly, but God above missed you most my darling. I will forever call you my angel and will always love you!!!!!! Just know we BOTH loved you from the moment we knew you were inside me. Words cannot express the joy we felt. I know you will watch over us from above *kisses*

<3 Mommy