Out of Control...

Sometimes I feel like my life is not organized. I live it each day, going through the motions of someone who has everything under control. On the surface, I'm stable. Underneath the surface however, I'm not so stable.... Let me explain: It has nothing to do with mental instability. Believe me, with the bullshit that I've gone through in my life I SHOULD be mentally unstable, but I'm not. A better term to describe what's going on inside my head is that I'm not at peace. Here are a few reasons: 1. I'm overjoyed about starting the next chapter in my life: motherhood. Problem is, NO ONE in my family even knows I'm pregnant. Now, I've received the "toughest" love possible in that subject to say the least. Coming out was less emotionally painful. I feel like this beautiful being inside of me deserves to have me shout from the rooftops that I'm going to become a mother, dammit! I feel me hiding it from some important people in my life is an insult. 2. I'm torn between my dream and my reality in the workplace. The dream is to be in the medical field. There are those that feel I'm wasting my intelligence in retail management. At times I think they're right. The reality is that I would love to dive into school head first, but that would mean I'd give up work. The consistent paycheck that replenishes my bank account biweekly. I'm selfish and I don't want to do that. So where do I turn? I could do it one class at a time. Online if necessary, until I reach my goal. The first step is always the hardest. 3. Deep down inside I'm a bit of a control freak. It displays itself through constructive energy at work. Then when I'm home, I consciously turn it off. At least I think I do. I catch myself thinking of the days when I lived alone. How different those days were from what my days are now. Marriage (another thing my family is unaware of) is certainly interesting. 4. Double life much? Lol, seems like my unsettled disposition is stemming from my lack of communication with my family. I really should have been a psychologist, right? I'm sure if I stood up and said, "Dearest Family, I wanted to make you aware of a few things about the girl you thought you knew. She doesn't exist. The girl you knew was single, straight, and not with child. The woman that stands before you is married, gay, and with child." Of course, I'd need 911 on standby because I guarantee someone would have a myocardial infarction (heart attack), faint, come charging to hurt me, and even curse me out in ways sailors never imagined. Far-fetched? Ha, you don't know my family like I KNOW my family. After all this, where to start? Just because the surface of the ocean LOOKS calm doesn't mean there's not danger lurking around. So how does one make the inner person as collected as the outer person? Yes, I very well could be over-analyzing my life (as I often do). Call it my tragic flaw. We all have our "demons"; I guess this is just mine?