Who's got Pride? I've got Pride!

Last night I attended my first Pride party. It was quite an experience. For one, it was the first time that I had been out since the miscarriage. Two, it was the first time that I had been around so many young lgbt members of society at once. Lol. At one point during the festivities, a group of young ladies approached me and my wife. Once they realized that we were married, it was as if we became celebrities in their eyes. We kept getting stares and smiles all night. I never realized how much of an impact our life together had on other people. I couldn't help but laugh because to me, my marriage is an everyday occurrence. To other lesbians, my marriage is an inspiration. I find that to be pretty special.

A letter to my wonderful blessing...

01/15/2012:
I haven't even met you, but I already love you so much. Who knew I could feel this way? I promise to always take care of you, let you explore the beauty of the world, and help you understand the magnificent power you possess inside you.

01/18/2012:
I had hoped to hear your heartbeat, but then I found out you were already in heaven. I miss you terribly, but God above missed you most my darling. I will forever call you my angel and will always love you!!!!!! Just know we BOTH loved you from the moment we knew you were inside me. Words cannot express the joy we felt. I know you will watch over us from above *kisses*

<3 Mommy

I'm glad your mother likes me

You know what, I'm glad she likes you too my love <3

*Sings* "I'm so excited...."

Just wanted to say how happy I am that I get to see my mother face to face for Thanksgiving! We haven't seen each other since December 2009...the longest time we've ever gone without being around each other. I'm not used to such things!

Progess...

I recently did something out of my normal routine: I went back to my college alma mater. Now let me explain: Upon completing my B.S. in Biological Sciences in 2005, I had no desire to return back to the place I called home for four years of my life. Sounds harsh, but it's the truth. Flash forward to the present: The reason I stepped foot on campus again was to speak at a seminar educating young college women on the importance of knowing their correct bra size. The organizers of the event had called my store (Victoria's Secret) to see if we wanted to participate. My other managers said no, but I agreed to attend. I'm so glad that I did. It wasn't just me as a guest speaker, but also a representative of the Susan G. Komen Foundation spoke on the importance of self-breast exams, types of breast cancers, and the different stages of breast cancers. During her segment, I was reminded of how fortunate I was to have a family who openly talked of different medical scenarios. Had it not been for that conversation, I probably would have ignored the pain in my own breast. Fortunately, I didn't have breast cancer, but a fibroadenoma...nonetheless, it was scary enough. After the representative spoke, I thought my presentation was minute. To my suprise, the ladies took great interest in the information that I shared. I went over how to determine the correct bra size (even though I forgot my measuring tape at the store), how to convert to your "sister" or alternate size, and of course washing and caring for your bras. I educated the girls on different fit issues they could be experiencing and a lot of them had that "a-ha" moment. I felt good on the inside. After all questions had been answered, the organizers gave us (the presenters) thank you gifts. My gift contained two mugs with the phrases "the boss" and "the real boss". I think I'll take one to work today. Best part of the whole event? They asked me to come back to speak in January :)

Playing with Purples...

Did my eyes in purples today to go with my new Fanta Grape shirt from Target :)

Looking Inside Myself...truth hurts

I've come to realize that I contain a tragic flaw: my independent mindset. There's nothing wrong with being independent, & quite frankly it's the only mindset that I've been taught ever since I could remember. For some reason I feel less capable or sure of myself if I had to depend on someone else. I've been raised to be so independent that I shouldn't have to look to anyone for anything. I see my grandmother do it, as well as my mother - the two most influential women (and people) of my life. My grandmother constantly apologizes for even asking for a ride to the store. She has always felt that if she had to ask someone to do something for her that she was bothering that person. Not the case at all of course. I guess my innate drive to remain independent comes from a previous experience I've had where I depended on someone, who consistently let me down. It almost - and that's a strong almost - broke me emotionally & psychologically. Pretty intense right? So as a result, I built a mental wall of defense that allowed me to solely focus on me & regain my independence.

Fast forward to the present...

I'm in a wonderful, fulfilling relationship with my fiancee who makes my life so much brighter each day that passes. As of late, I can feel the struggle of dependency between us. By this I mean, she feels that I don't allow her to "be there for me" or that I don't let her "take care of me". Emotionally she does this, but I realize what she's looking for. She's looking for me to be able to trust that she will be able to care of me. I trust her with this already....except for my desire to remain independent. It becomes more and more apparent to me that if I don't get my shit together, this one tiny thing could be the rock that starts a downward spiral leading to a path that finds me alone. I DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!! So what do I do? Close my eyes, fall backward into her arms, & in doing so find a balance that allows me to be independently dependent.

Independently dependent...yes, it's an oxymoron, but hear me out on this. My definition of this concept is I choose to become more dependent. Not an extreme situation, but just enough that there's a nice balance. This is the best way that I trick my mind into thinking the best resolution has been put in place. Call me crazy if you want to, but I believe that in doing this I will maintain the happiness I have with the misses. LMAO